I do write short stories and things of that nature…You do know that, right?

Well I’m taking a fiction writing class, and my teacher gave us a two-day assignment: modernize a Bible story and turn it in at the next time period.

I picked Jonah. Now, if you don’t know the story of Jonah, here’s the sparknotes version:

Jonah was told by God to preach to a town called Ninevah about their destruction. Jonah didn’t want to, and so he tried to run from God. He got on a boat and tried to sail away, but the boat hit hard times and he ends up being thrown off the boat after the people realize it’s HIS fault they’re all about to die. As he’s thrown off the boat the bad weather stops, and he’s swallowed by a whale for 3 days. He is then FINALLY repentant and the whale spits him out and he goes and preaches the message. He then goes to a hill overlooking the city to watch the destruction firsthand, but the people repent andGod doesn’t destroy the city. Jonah gets mad, etc, etc…

The part I chose to modernize was the “I’m On A BOAT!” part. Check it out. It’s about 8 pages in normal Microsoft Word pages if you’re still interested. If not, no harm no foul.

Normal J.O.K.E./Album reviews are coming later…

K1ng Eljay

~~~

Jonah [Re-Imagined]

“Look… it’s all me. I promise it’s all me. You don’t have to do anything else. Just throw me off the boat, and I’m about 80 percent sure that this will stop.”

“Are you sure?”

“No…but you should just do it before I change my mind. You have nothing to lose, really.”

“….Ok. Grab him. Toss him off by the volleyball deck.”

I felt the two guards grab my arms as they escorted me to the place that I was sure would be my grave. The ship lurched again violently, but I had become accustomed to the bad sea weather suddenly. I guess that’s what I get for running, right?

“Sorry about your coffee table.”

“Shut up Jaheim-“

“Jonah.”

“What! EVER! Throw him off.”

I should’ve never gotten on this boat…That was the last thing I thought to myself as they began to count.

“One… Two…”

It sounded so good to me earlier…

EARLIER THAT EVENING…

“Well, that was easy…” I muttered to myself as I handed my pass to the ticket collector. After verifying my credits, he gave me a quick nod and I slipped onto the ship.

“Hey, you don’t have any bags?” I heard him call from behind me.

“No, they just hold back my true potential,” I responded as I turned back to face him, slightly striking a pose. His confused look told me that he didn’t get the joke, so I decided to abort it. “No, I don’t need them.”

“Oh. Ok, have a fun trip and thank you for using the Titanic Cruise Line.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure,” I said as I began to take in my surroundings.  I always had this preconceived theory that cruises were jam-packed with people hanging off the edges of the railings and little kids screaming and slinging snot everywhere, but I guess this cruise was different. There weren’t a lot of people at all. I could actually smell the salt water and the sea wedged between the smells of food and my armpits.

My deodorant decided to give out on me minutes before discovering the boat.

Luckily, I found a cruise ticket though. I don’t think it mattered that it was inside a lady’s purse I had stolen two minutes earlier, and that she didn’t realize it was gone yet. I think that it was a blessing that the idea occurred to me to try and use their cruise ticket to escape. I would’ve never thought to do that myself. It had to have been a sign from God…

The boat looked more like a hotel than anything. It was definitely a two-story attraction, with all of the glitz, glamour, and shallowness of a Jonas Brothers concert. From where I was standing, I could see a wine bar, and a lounge. There were more attractions on this cruise than at a state fair. The wooden walkway seemed to circle the bottom floor, and I could spot stairs that led to the upper and lower levels. I could easily see how people could enjoy these.

Too bad I didn’t have time to enjoy it. I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Can I see your ticket please?” The voice by itself was enough to scare me as I turned to face the man dressed in red and black, which eerily reminded me of…

“Lucifer!” I jumped in reaction.

The man didn’t respond.

“Sorry. Kind of jumpy today,” I said, smiling.

“I wonder why?” the man questioned.

My smile faltered. “Was that a joke? I’m sorry, who are you?”

“Ship Captain. Can I see your ticket?”

I had to think fast. “Why are you harassing me? Is it because I’m black? This is racism!” I started to yell. “This is WRONG!”

The ship captain pointed to his face. It took a moment for me to get what he was saying. He was black too. Well, there went that argument out of the window.

“How is this racist?” the captain frowned. “That couple over there say that they think you stole their ticket.”

He pointed to the wooden ramp that I had just walked up. Sure enough, I recognized the lady and her husband. In the dark, they did not look as Italian as they did now. I pulled out my ticket and quickly read the name on it and groaned. No way I could pull a fast one and get out of this.

I handed the captain my ticket and he snickered. “Rafael Natidowitzki…Mr. Natidowitzki, if I could see your I.D. to verify-“

I spun and dashed down the walkway. I could hear him yelling after me as I tried to lose him in the crowd. Unfortunately, there was no real crowd and he was able to keep up with me until I dashed up the stairs to the second level. As soon as I broke his line of vision, I began to look for a place to hide. I spotted another bar and ducked into it.

They really do try to get you drunk on cruises. There are way too many bars on this boat, I thought to myself as I saw the captain race past my hiding spot. I quickly ducked back out of the bar and headed back to the first level, but I saw the Italian couple I had pick-pocketed and decided the lower level would be best.

It was nothing like the top of the ship. I wandered slowly, absorbing the scenery change. There were rooms down here, but I didn’t think they were for the public. This might’ve been where the crew slept, or something of that nature. The hallway almost seemed industrial-like. There were metal valves on the wall above huge, hot pipes blowing steam into the walkway. The floor was slippery, but I wasn’t sure if it was from water or not. It all came together to give me the impression that something could explode and I could die if I took a wrong step…

But, that could’ve been all of the action movies I’ve seen having influence in that moment.

Regardless, I stepped cautiously through the hallway. I didn’t want anyone to hear me. I figured I was already on thin ice with the faculty, so no need to get them more upset.

That’s when I saw it.

At the end of the hallway was a door that was cracked open. I saw light shining from the door into the otherwise dimly lit hallway. It was almost symbolic to me; the light represented the salvation of being free from worrying about being escorted off the boat. I quickly ran to the door, temporarily forgetting that the floor was slick with alien technology…

I slipped before reaching the door and crashed into it, swinging it wide open. I stood up, a little dazed after bashing my head on the door and plopped down on the extremely comfortable lazy boy recliner that had appeared out of nowhere…

I stood up, almost in shock. Lazy boys aren’t supposed to be on cruise ships. As I began to look around the room, I couldn’t believe what I saw. It was, in essence, a Man-Cave! There was a huge TV in front of me, a decent looking couch beside me, and a nice glass coffee table in front of me littered with several magazines, sodas, and glasses.

I stood up and looked around to see if there was anyone in there, but there wasn’t. The room was completely empty. I closed the door and locked it and began to notice even more things I originally hadn’t. It smelled like roses, and it was pretty well decorated for a Man-Cave. The red and black theme ran into every notable item I spotted.

From the kitchen appliances, to the pool table, to the oversized bed awkwardly placed in the corner of the room, to the curtains… Even the floor had the red/black theme.

“I could get used to this…” I began to nod to myself as I felt the ship began to pull off. Looks like I had hit it big finally. After cutting on the TV and allowing myself to relax, I fell asleep.

~~~

A large thunderclap shocked me awake from my power nap to my feet. I felt something leaking in my shoes and as a reaction I jumped on the coffee table. The table shattered as I fell through it, landing on my rear end, groaning.

“Awesome… Just awesome-“ My complaint was cut short by another lethal-sounding thunderclap, which made me jump from the broken table to the couch. Luckily, the glass didn’t cut me when I fell through the table.

A third thunderclap followed right behind the other one, making me cover my ears. The room suddenly lurched violently, making me lose my balance and soar off the couch onto the floor. Surprised, I scrambled to my feet to discover water all over the floor.

“Oh crap,” I muttered as the ship lurched violently again, knocking me to my knees and sliding me halfway across the floor. Any other time I would probably enjoy the slip-and-slide, but not this one. I knew the meaning behind this one.

“Oh crap…oh crap…” I didn’t know why I was still running from Him. I guess I honestly thought I could escape God at the time.

Stupid me…

The room felt as if it was about to turn completely on its head. I began to brace myself as the room continued to disorient even more than I thought possible. It became just a test of survival to dodge all of the Man-Cave items as they dislodged themselves from their stations and flew across the room. The pool table flipped and slid slowly across the floor as the pool cue stick flew at an alarming speed, jamming itself into the big screen television.

I had to get out of the room before something killed me. I opened the door to stand face to face with Lucifer himself. Without hesitation he grabbed me by my collar.

“What…are you DOING…in my LOFT?!?!?”

I stuttered for a moment. “Uh-um…slip-and-slide?”

He looked past me for a moment and observed as chaos reigned in his room. The ship lurched again, but it didn’t knock him off balance. A moment later I heard a deafening crash and I could read his facial expression and tell what had happened.

“The TV just fell, didn’t it…”

The grip grew tighter around my collar as he lifted me off the ground.

“Yep,” I said as I struggled to breathe, “Definitely..the TV..”

I think I might’ve passed out as he strangled/carried me up the stairs, because when I was finally aware of what was going on, I saw the captain, the Italian couple, and an overweight security guard standing over me. There was another guard in the back, but he seemed to be the quiet time.

“I think you owe the captain some answers,” the fat guard said.

“I think you owe me some breathing room,” I said, still slightly disoriented. The ship was still in turmoil, and I could hear people around me panicking. “Where am I?”

“No, I’m asking the questions now,” the captain interjected.

“Good, because if the guard asked questions, I think they’d all be food related.”

The guard growled. “Lose the attitude!”

“Lose weight first, then I’ll think about it.”

“Hey bub-“

“Are you Wolverine now? You really don’t have friends, do you?”

“SHUT UP!” The captain waved both of us silent. He kneeled down to look at me. “Who are you?”

I tried to think of a lie, but there was no point. I was probably about to get arrested anyway. “Jonah.”

The Italian couple began to exclaim, “Jonas! Jonas Brother! Jonas!”

I frowned. “No, I’m not a Jonas Brother, I’m Jonah-“

“You sing for us?” The lady said, smiling and pointing.

“No, no, I’m not them. I don’t do…that.”

“Well,” the captain spoke up. “Doesn’t matter now anyway who you are, boy.” The captain backed away, and for the first time I could see the madness that was going on around me. People were screaming, crying, and behaving hysterically. There was something heart-wrenching about this scene. It reminded me of the Titanic movie, but without the horrible acting.

“We’ve been fighting this storm for about two hours. We’re not equipped to take any more damage to the hull of the ship. It’s flooding. We’ve used all of our life boats. Even if we had more, the waves are about to swallow us whole. It wouldn’t do us any good.”

He patted me on the shoulder. “Looks like you picked a great cruise to sneak on, Johan.”

“Jonah.”

“Whatever.” The captain continued with resignation in his voice. “I’ve…already asked the people to do too much. I tried to get everyone to stay in their rooms, but as you can see, that’s not happening. People tend to not listen when there’s a bar less than 50 feet from their room. You can see… People are throwing their luggage overboard in an attempt to lighten the load, Jason-“

“Jonah,” I corrected again as I stood up.

“Right. It’s a matter of time before the ship sinks. Help is on the way, but they won’t get here fast enough. We’re too far out into the ocean-“ A loud thunderclap accompanied the lightning that lit up the sky, causing me to duck. I wasn’t the biggest fan of thunder.

After a moment, he continued, “It’s just kind of sad to me that something like this would happen. I used to think everything happened for a reason, but now…”

I suddenly felt guilty. I remained silent, but the more I heard the screaming and the yelling of all of the people around me, I knew I couldn’t just stay quiet. “There’s a reason. I think it’s me.”

The guard frowned. “You?”

I sighed. I REALLY didn’t want to elaborate on it. “Yeah. Me. I was supposed to go somewhere else.”

“But you didn’t.”

I shook my head. “No.”

“And this matters because?”

“Well…God told me to go there, but I hate Pennsylvania, and… and I hate the people there.” I started to pout as I talked. “They say it’s always sunny in Philadelphia, but it’s not. They’re pretty hateful. I mean, they throw rock-filled snowballs at Santa Claus! Who does that?”

“This makes no sense,” the ship captain said aloud, almost as if it was said only to himself. “This…makes no sense. Jimmy, why exactly did you run?”

“Jonah.”

“That’s what I said.”

“No, you-“ My statement was interrupted by the lurching boat, and more screaming people. The weather was getting worse and I knew what I had to do.

I took a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter why I ran. I was an idiot… Look… it’s all me. I promise it’s all me. You don’t have to do anything else. Just throw me off the boat, and I’m about 80 percent sure that this will stop.”

“Are you sure?” the captain said.

“No…” I paused for a long time before finishing my sentence. “…But you should just do it before I change my mind. You have nothing to lose, really.”

The captain looked around and after another thunder clap, he seemed more motivated to oblige the request. “Ok. Grab him. Toss him off by the volleyball deck.”

I felt the two guards grab my arms as they escorted me to the place that I was sure would be my grave. The ship lurched again violently, but I had become accustomed to the bad sea weather suddenly. I guess that’s what I get for running, right?

“Sorry about your coffee table.”

“Shut up Jaheim-“

“Jonah.”

“What! EVER! Throw him off.”

I should’ve never gotten on this boat…That was the last thing I thought to myself as they began to count.

“One… Two…”

Suddenly I had a change of heart. “Yo, hey… We can talk this over-“

“Three-“

“NO!” I twisted loose from the fat man’s grip and ducked behind him. As he tried to turn to face me, I knocked him off balance and off the railing of the ship. The other guard tried to rush me, but I ducked under his grab. I cocked back my fist and sprung forward to attack.

A gunshot stopped all of the commotion. I slowly turned to face the ship captain and his revolver, the barrel of the gun was still smoking from the last shot he had fired into the air. For a moment, no one spoke. All we could hear was the fat guy screaming for help as he dangled from the railing.

The captain motioned me off the edge of the boat. “Keep your word. Leave my boat.”

I nodded slowly. “You can lower the gun. I get it.”

As the captain lowered the gun, I turned and tried to run, but I ran directly into the skinny guard. Without a word, he lifted me into the air.

“Ok, wait, wait-WAIT!!!” I screamed as the guard basket tossed me off the boat…